Well, folks, I went to see the new James Bond flick this weekend and I was excited to see that, Star Trek trailer was also released this past weekend right there on the Bond print!
Folks, I've got to say, I'm still waiting to be impressed. Fans were concerned with the first teaser that depicted the Enterprise being built on Earth, which is in violation of known Canon. But this new Enterprise is VERY different from the original. Of all the things I didn't think they'd change, the Enterprise was the top of the list. Even if they made it look less like a model, I thought for SURE they'd at least keep the design the same.
Of course, "Entertain Me Weakly" has decided that this is "cool", so they're acting like it's accurate, saying "Kinda looks like the old one, huh?" Yeah... uh... "KINDA" is right.
I thought Abrams was going to make sure this all fit, but he's as deluded as ever, saying "If you're going to do the ENTERPRISE, it better look like the ENTERPRISE, because otherwise, what are you doing?"
My sentiments exactly!
But for a Franchise that seems to STILL be getting it right, get a lod of James Bond 22: Quantum of Solace, which still manages to be damn good. Daniel Craig wouldn't screw up the Enterprise... that is, unless it crossed him on his PATH OF REVENGE!
(11/17/2008)
Fashion Models, Witchcraft, creepy, prune-like old guys in see-through robes, short, mannish women wearing nothing at all and Lesbian Twins! It's called Virgin Witch... it's hot for all the right reasons and scary as hell for all the wrong reasons... many of which just happen to be the SAME reasons. (November 16, 2008)
INDIE INTERLUDE: Pull up your Barstool for the Western Thrill Ride called Cowboy Smoke... You'll be glad you did! (November 09, 2008)
HAPPY HALLOWEEN, Everysmurf! Time to tread back to the known and do what we do on WorldsGreatestCritic.com every year on Halloween, that being... reviewing yet another MICHAEL MYERS flick... that is, until we run out. We've laid Halloween I, Halloween II, III, 4 and 5, not to mention Halloween the 2007 Remake to rest between 2004 and 2007... now it's 2008 and it's time to close the book on the first Halloween Series with Halloween 666: The Curse of Michael Myers, which leaves only two flicks (to date) left to review.
Say, anybody notice that the Halloween sequels and the Pink Panther Sequels all had a Return, Revenge and Curse? Could Michael Myers actually be... THE PHANTOM? Nah! He's Clouseau!!! Happy Halloween True Believers! Watch out for The Shape... you know he's returning for at least two waterlogged, resurrected Halloweens right here... on WorldsGreatestCritic.com! (but first... read about Halloween 6!) (HALLOWEEN DAY, 2008)
Ah... Halloween comes EARLY this year with... yet another retread of a...
Look, folks, I'm sorry, I know I both praise and condemn Exploitation Flicks (for some of the same reasons), but I had hoped like the mom on thirtysomething to avoid seeing Saw V... but, you know, you're trapped at Tustin Marketplace while your PT Cruiser is being repaired and you've already bought your costume, along with a few completely unnecessary impulse buys (kids, I don't even play Golf... why do I need a set of clubs monogrammed with YODA's name?) and you've got time to waste, so you do... you waste it... with Saw V!
Should I saw "For Fans Only"? Probably not. I'm a fan and... damn! (10/26/08)
Ladies, Ladies, Ladies (see, in my mind, all my readers are attractive, athletic young women) are you ready for some ITALIAN SCHLOCK? Well, how about some SCHOCK instead?
Yeah, "Schock" [sic]! Or, as it was known in the goode olde You Ess of Aaaaaaaay: Shock!
Well, it was also known as "Beyond the Door II", but, we won't hold that against it. Horror Fans should be jazzed at the inclusion of one name: "BAVA"! Those easily irritated might be turned off by the inclusion of "Some Annoying Kid!" But damn...
Just remember this... Nothing's Shocking! (10/20/08)
Well, loyal readers, it's 10/13, which means, of course, it's time for an X-Files review to say Happy Birthday to Dana Scully and Chris Carter both!
Unlike most years, we've already had an X-Files Movie, so it's time for something different. And folks, when it comes to both X-Files and Something Different, only two words spring to mind:
JOSE CHUNG!!!
And that's obvious!
But here at WorldsGreatestCritic.com, we never go for the Obvious... so instead of a review of From Outer Space, sink your nicotine-stained Alien Teeth into the Millennium Episode entitled "Jose Chung's 'Doomsday Defense'"! You won't regret it... unless you're... TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET!!! (10/13/08)
Folks, I can't get enough of The Evil Dead! I love that movie... and the guys who made it love me (see my Feedback page for details on that)!
Yep, the only thing The Evil Dead could use more of is... sequels... and we're getting them, starting in the year of our Lord, 2011!
But in Italy, following in that arcane, nonsense tradition of unofficial sequels, there are already a ton of sequels to those films (released around "the Boot" as the "La Casa" series). The first of these, following hard upon Evil Dead II, was called, obviously, La Casa 3! Unfortunately, it sucks more than the vacuum cleaner it would take to clean up La Titular Casa! Yeah, it's bad... Folks, if you read this review and still find yourself excited enough to seek out and view La Casa 3, I've got five words of advice for you: Tums, Tums, Tums, Tums, TUUUUUUUUUUMS! (10/09/08)
I am, and have been, somewhat concerned about the fact that Assassin Robots from the Future have been sorely overlooked in the safety features of the new VOLVO!
But it's time to take my mind off of that and focus on a film that has nothing to do with such a disturbing subject: House of Whipcord! (10/03/08)
Years ago when I was acting in an annual "Terror Show", a couple I met there went all Goth and got married. When they had their first kid, they pierced his ear, gave him an inverted crucifix on a rosary and planned his first tattoo.
Admittedly it's been a while since I've seen them, but I've little doubt that as soon as the kid grew teeth they would be giving him some fake fangs.
2008's Dark CGI comedy called Igor might not be for everyone, but I'm thinking that this would be right up the collective alley of that little Goth family back home. Technically I could probably look them up and get back in touch with them, but... why? I'll just watch Igor again instead. (09/30/08)
Tribute:
Rest In Peace Jennifer Canzoneri Only the GOOD die young! FundingForJen.com
(09/27/08)
Ah! GREECE! What do you think of when you think of Greece? History? Gyros? Goofy English Guys in cheap Halloween Costumes worshipping twenty foot mobile Chia pets? Yeah, I know... it's like... "WHAT?"
But that's the basic premise of Land of the Minotaur, one of the milder of the 1970s Satanism Shockers. It's not so much "Land of the Bull-Man" as it is "Land of the Bullshit!" (09/26/08)
INDIE INTERLUDE: Yes, folks, to go hand in hand with my article "How to Submit your Film for Review on WorldsGreatestCritic.com", how about a new review of a new Independent film, newly submitted to me by an old name on this site. That's right, Ed Radmanich III is back, new and improved with the effects-heavy Ultra Indie called Coldspot!
Though this is a sequel to 2005's Artie Saves the Hood, Coldspot is a full length feature with a much more serious tone. Also separating it from its predecessor is the fact that it's just packed with beautiful women! Thank you, Artie! Check out Coldspot! (09/23/2008)
Since 2005, Independent Filmmakers, whom I affectionately refer to as "The Ultra Indies" have asked me to review their films. I respond, offer my list of Caveats, they agree, I offer the address, they send the movie and a-blah, blah, blah! YACKETY SCHMACKITY!
So how about I streamline the whole process by slapping it all up on one page. So, without any further ado (and let's face it, there's a butt-load of "Ado" around here), let's get to my new informative article about "How to Submit your Film for Review on WorldsGreatestCritic.com"
(09/23/2008)
Man, I love California. Take this recent Saturday when I found myself roaming around Newport Beach.
There I am in my convertible with my new hollow-bodied ArtCore guitar, just loving life, so I cruise to the beach near the Balboa Pier, cop a lovely spot in the sand and just play that sweet guitar purely acoustic along the water, watching the tide roll away. As I cruised back to my cruiser and chilled out a while with the top down, I looked up and found that I was docked at the Marina, which meant that I was, quite literally, "sittin' on the dock of the bay, wastin' time!"
So I told Mrs. Garmin, my trusty GPS, to find me the nearest movie theatres, and the Lido looked groovy, so I headed that way, arriving at about 3:00, discovering that the next showing was at 3:15. This seemed like a sign to me, so I ponied up to the round window and shouted "One Please."
Naturally, this is the way it is because of the type of theatre the Lido is... This is one of those classic, old theatres one rarely sees in operation, anywhere but in a beach city. The kind with the big marquee and the Oval Shaped Box Office set out front, separate from the rest of the building. Walking in was a joy, too, because the entire place was ornate and beautiful. Still classic, but so well-kept it appeared that one wasn't entering a modern theatre, but stepping back in time a few decades. I was elated over the fact that there was actually a curtain over the screen.
Cruising upstairs to visit the Men's Room (I hate eating finger-food like Popcorn without the chance to first wash my hands... and I didn't want to miss out on Popcorn in a theatre like this), I discovered that there was actually a Balcony in the place, so I copped my spot on the second floor of that beautiful California Theatre in beautiful Southern California.
Sometimes it's best to stop and smell the roses and find big smiles in simple things...
Or stop and smell the Vinyard as the case may be... because the film I saw was also a film about California... well, Northern California.
It's called Bottle Shock, and it's all about yet another of my favorite things... Wine. Uncork it and drink it in, my friends. It's a beautiful day! (09/15/2008)
So, what did you folks think of The Mist? Love it? Hate it? Love the ending, hate the film? Well, if you're like me, you love the film and aren't too crazy about that Darabont-Insisted ending. Well, if you're like me and like artist Kevin Karstens. Karstens' love for the original story and appreciation for the 2007 film let him to re-edit The Mist into a new version, much more like the original novel. It's appropriately called The Mist - The Novella Cut and the results? Quite stylish! What's more, he's doing it for love of the story, not in any way for Profit. Check out my review of The Mist - The Novella Cut and pay ol' Kevin a visit while you're at it. But beware the oncoming storm. (09/09/2008)
Of all the Summer Blockbusters and Big Sequel movies of 2008, one has been conspicuously absent. Let's see, we've had Star Wars: The Clone Wars, The X Files: I Want to Believe, The Dark Knight, Wall*E, The Incredible Hulk, The Happening, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Speed Racer and even Iron Man!
What'd we miss? Oh, yeah, one of the flicks I was SURE to review on opening day... Hellboy II: The Golden Army!
Look, folks, I've got a really good excuse... My wife wanted to see it, hadn't seen the first one, wanted to see both, had a schedule as busy as mine and... well... luckily last weekend we were able to watch both Hellboys and their animated counterparts...
How's the schedule now? Well, I'm posting this on September 7th, when we actually watched the film on August 30th... what's that tell you?
But, hey, it's up now, so enjoy my review of Hellboy II: The Golden Army, while I sluff off my yearly August literary lethargy... yeah, don't pretend like you didn't notice!
(09/07/2008)
You guys still awake?
You might not be after this next review...
Reaching way back to 1984, before ol' Marty McFly even headed back to the Fifties to escape Libyan Terrorists, a completely different kind of threat hit middle America... The film was called Mutant, but, really... it was about Zombies.
And for those of you Dick Clark fans, step up to the band stand for this one, because he was the uncredited Co-Producer... for some reason.
(09/02/2008)
Fear Not, True Believers, more reviews of both good and bad movies will be appearing shortly.
What follows is NOT a movie review, but a recap of one of my recent party escapades at a fundraiser FOR a movie that I will one day soon review:
David Branin's The Night before the Wedding!
Support it, believe in it, drink Pura Casta to it... or just laugh at yet another of my misadventures with
The Party Before The Night Before The Wedding!
(08/28/2008)
Ah, yes, a new Star Wars movie... more proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy!
Yesterday my family and I watched both seasons of the previous Clone Wars television show, then headed out to the midnight premeire of my most anticipated movie of the year:
Star Wars: The Clone Wars!
Was it great? Yeah, it was! But I'm a little disturbed by the fact that apparently I now speak Huttese. Seriously, man... I was able to translate without subtitles. I feel like such a poodoo slaymo! (08/15/2008)
On the subject of remembering that it could be worse, let's roll on back to those bygone years when a little lame company called TROMA was still trying like mad to be a legitimate, mainstream company (albeit a silly one). And to think that at the same time they would release a bus station seat cushion stain like
Fortress of Amerikkka! Talk about missing the point, man. Talk about Cheap.
It's like my dad, man. Growing up, the guy wouldn't spend a dime! I mean my dad would buy ONLY what was on sale! We lived at the day old bread store! $200,000 a year and we're at the "Eat it it's Green!" bread store! What the hell? Twinkies that crunched, man! And the cereal! A part of the box ripped out you could see the bag! The friggin Cap'n Crunch riddle already figured out on the back! Secret Decoder Ring in some dead language... it was incredible! He just broke down and started buying the generic stuff that didn't even have a box... just those sticky rubbery knockoffs! Puffed Riceys, Vomitous Mass Flakes, Cow Chips... You get the idea. The man had 8 cars and that's what we ate for breakfast! He would buy balogna on sale and then freeze it! He could live forever without shopping! Any time he got fresh vegetables he's freeze them too! It was incredible! Ziplock (or their generic counterpart) bags full of some red liquid that once was a tomato, for example! And then we'd eat balogna sandwiches! They'd be frozen in the middle! I asked him once for a pair of shoes... he took us to the largest shopping center in the state and I asked him for a pair of shoes and he said that wasn't what this was about! He actually brought us to a town in which every place was a store (a 3 hour drive mind you) and he bought NOTHING! Every store he said "We're just looking." Huh? When we got back to town damned if he didn't buy a new... helicopter or something... it was incredible!
But if you think that's Cheap and Missing the Point, then you should watch Fortress of Amerikkka which will re-define both points for you quite nicely, thank you very much.
Okay, okay, okay, I take it back! NOTHING should make you watch Fortress of Amerikkka! NOTHING!
(08/12/2008)
The week The X-Files: Fight the Future came out in theatres was the week I got married. Now, it's 10 years later and there's a new X-Files movie... and I'm still married to the same woman.
The week The X-Files: I Want to Believe was released in theatres was the week we moved into our first house as home owners. (Moving is hell, so forgive me for not having a new review up for ten days.)
I can only hope that this one is successful, because if there's a third film... I'm thinking we'll... win the lottery or something.
But until then, enjoy the 2008 release of The X-Files: I Want to Believe, and I'll see you in the next reel.
(I don't even play the Lottery!)
(07/28/2008)
You may all hate me for this one... I'm not sure I'm a big fan of myself for it, either... but hear me out before casting the stones at your Joking Critic... The Dark Knight... good... not quite great. Aw, man, I can practically SMELL the hate mail (07/18/2008)
So, what's next on the agenda for WorldsGreatestCritic.com, now that we're breaking from seasons and can review anything I want?
Why, bad Italian Horror movies, of course. Incidentally and speaking of, I noticed a while back that some reader added a link to this site on to Wikipedia's article on "Cult Movies" (no, it wasn't me). Then I noticed this week somebody took that link off. Like there's any crazier Cult site than this one.
Well, Wiki-haters, I condemn you all to...
The Other Hell (07/16/2008)
I'm sure both my readers are wondering... what's the next season?
Okay, readership has been huge... I guess I can't refer to "both" my readers anymore when readership is in the tens of thousands...
Anyway, what's the next season? Well, to paraphrase Cedric the Entertainer... "Ain't no more seasons. Just Mashed Potatoes and Corn!"
Or, to paraphrase Dave Chappelle, "It's not a new Season... it's just REGULAR-ASS KNEUMSI!"
But, true to form, I will now link my Year of the Unseasonal (ah, shit, now I've given it a name) to my last Season with... a Hunter S. Thompson documentary.
Suck up to Buy the Ticket, Take the Ride: Hunter S. Thompson on Film. Take what you've been given and like it, pink boy! (07/13/2008)
INDIE INTERLUDE: Here's a secret I haven't kept too well for the last 24 hours... today is the last day of 2008's Indie and Spring! We ran exactly from 04/07/08 to 07/04/08... there's such Balance on this site! Yep... The end of the Season of Independents takes place... on Independence Day... And you wondered what was with the little Alien Dude in front of the American Flag! Nothing celebrates the American, Independent Spirit like Independent Films! Which makes it all the more ironic that the only 5 star review of the season was a flick from Hungary!
Okay, back to the lack of surprises... Would you believe that the final review of Indie and Spring would be yet anothe rin the fractured Documentary Streak? You would, huh? Ah, but would you believe that this one is actually an independent documentary about... Hunter S. Thompson? No surprises there either, huh? Okay, this one isn't exactly about Hunter, though he does play an instrumental role in this film's document of American Justice lost and American Justice regained!
Check out Free Lisl - Fear and Loathing in Denver for the rest of the story.
Happy Fourth of July, everyone! Celebrate Independence Day and Independent's Day.
USA
USA
USA
USA
USA
USA
USA
(07/04/2008)
INDIE INTERLUDE: Well, we're still here on Independents Day. No, that's not a misprint... I'm closing out the season of Independent Films on Independence Day! Anybody else going to miss Indie and Spring! Make a film, you will.
Chris Hansen has, in fact this, the second-to-last flick of Indie and Spring, is his second film to be featured on WorldsGreatestCritic.com!
It's called Clean Freak... and it's not exactly what I'd call... a dirty movie.
(07/04/2008)
INDIE INTERLUDE: Happy 4th of July, 2008, everyone. What better way to celebreate the 232nd anniversary of the founding of our great nation (not to mention the end of the Season of Seasons and Indie and Spring), than with an All-American, Southern Fried Indie Flick (from a very unlikely source).
Yes, folks, today is the last day of the season... What better day to end the season on which I celebrate Independent Films than INDEPENDENCE DAY?
Do what you want today... I'm hanging out with Adam and Angelina at the... Bowlin' Alley!
(07/04/2008)
INDIE INTERLUDE: I launched 2008's Indie and Spring with Cannibal Flesh Riot, a film that had been sent to me nearly a year prior.
As I prepared to close out 2008's Indie and Spring (last day is tomorrow, folks), I couldn't fail to review a film called Awaken the Dead which, like Cannibal Flesh Riot seemed like a movie that would be right up my alley... and hey, I wasn't sent that movie all that long ago, was I?
Then I looked up the contact email... which was sent on Saturday, August 04, 2007. I... I suck. So much for me being a "Friend to the Indies". Sigh, read about Awaken the Dead, a film that was not yet released when I received the screener... but is now available on DVD. Go get Awaken the Dead!
(07/03/2008)
The Summer Season is upon us... which means I'd better close out the Spring Reviews, huh?
Anyway, before we get into the new Star Wars and X-Files movies, there's another curious little Science Fiction Gem that I simply love... it's called WALL·E and it's from the one studio that has yet to throw a Misfire. Thank you, Pixar! (06/29/2008)
INDIE INTERLUDE: Yep, we've got a bit of Indie and Spring 2008 to get through before we're done... yeah, I know, I know it's Summer... but this just means you get MORE of those Ultra Indie Reviews that you can't read anywhere else.
This time, we're talking about D.O.D.: Dead on Delivery, by Damien Sage.
Yeah, go figure, this season I get to review films by a guy named "ATTILA" AND a guy named "DAMIEN". Let's hope I didn't piss these guys off!
So, how is D.O.D.: Dead on Delivery? Does Damien Sage of the Clan Sage give us a Delivery that is Dead-On? Read The Review and find out!
(06/25/2008)
My wife's favorite actor is Robert Downey, Jr., which made the fact that his latest flick Iron Man was released on her Birthday all that much cooler.
Cooler than that was the related film that came out on our 10th Anniversary, also featuring Robert Downey, Jr. (this time in a brief cameo)...
Yep, I'm talking about The Incredible Hulk, featuring our favorite Emerald Gladiator, Green Goliath, Olive Onslaught, Seafoam Superhero... I... I'd better stop.
The Hulk on the other hand... is unstoppable!
(Monday the 16th
of June 2008)
Well, another year, another Friday the 13th! That means it's time for yet another Jason Voorhees review.
But which one this time (since I threw the "order" of these flicks out the door a long time ago!)?
During Operation Sci-Fall 2006 I reviewed the one Sci-Fi entry into the series and during The Winter of Wit, I reviewed the funniest one in the series. How to handle a Friday the 13th during Indie and Spring?
And this is no ordinary Friday the 13th either. For the first time in years, Friday the 13th actually falls on Jason's own Birthday (June 13, 2008 would be his 62nd birthday... and he looks TERRIBLE for his age). It's also my 10th Wedding Anniversary.
So, how about we review the one movie that attempted to explain Jason, from birth to rebirth? How about we review the first Jason movie since the change of hands from Paramount to New Line (formerly an Independent film house)? Yeah... yeah, I think that'll do nicely. Then I can forget all this and just concentrate on my wife!
And now for a review of a movie that doesn't do at ALL nicely: Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday! Burn it up!
(Friday the 13th of June 2008)
Ah, well, another year, another BAD HORROR REMAKE!!!
Yeah, this year even Prom Night gets the business in the new Prom Night, from the writer of The Slayer. What? What, that doesn't make you want to see it?
(06/12/2008)
DOCUMENTARIAN INDIE INTERLUDE During Operation Sci-Fall 2006 there was an entire month during which I didn't post any new Science-Fiction reviews, instead partying and concert-going with my best friend... in short... this little break from Indie and Spring is hardly a ripple in still water.
But back to the independent documentaries... here's one more... relating (mostly) to Hunter S. Thompson, no less, and from the same director as the last Hunter S. Thompson Documentary I reviewed.
This one's called When I Die and it details the final wishes and (lack of) resting place for Doctor Gonzo himself. Check, check, check it OUT!
(06/11/2008)
Hey, I owe you all some more Independent Documentaries, still... WHILE WE'RE YOUNG, right?
In due time, in due time, I say.
You say, "Due Time?" We've already passed the two year anniversary of the beginning of the Summer of Horror... doesn't that mean this whole Indie and Spring thing should be winding down?
Folks, we've got ALL the TIME in the WORLD! We're still young... Here's proof:
Young At Heart, the independent documentary about Old Folks singing Rock!
More Indie and Spring to come... I promise!
(06/07/2008)
HUNGARIAN INDIE INTERLUDE: Methinks I'll put the breaks on Indie and Spring's Documentary Streak, seeing as how more INDIEMENTARIES are rolling in... I'll just pepper them out through the rest of this Eggplant of a Season. Not like I didn't interrupt it anyway with my bizarre inclusion of the latest Indiana Jones flick... don't forget, my rules, I make 'em up!
In the mean time I'd like to introduce you to one of the best independent films and one of the best short films I've ever had the pleasure of reviewing. I tried to think of some reason to give this one less than the full Five Stars, but I simply can't do it. This is a very, very good movie and all five stars are shining.
Check out the Hungarian Ultra-Indie Most látszom most nem látszom (AKA: Now you see me, Now you Don't. But look sharp, if you don't catch that glimpse you might not see it at all.
(05/29/2008)
Happy Memorial Day, everyone. My new video is the story of the dark path Butters Stotch walked down to become Professor Chaos and the Havoc he wrought afterward.
Can the heroic Tweek save the day, or will he have mercy on his friend? (05/26/2008)
INDIANA JONES INTERLUDE: Yeah, this is pretty gosh darned far from being an Independent Film, what with the resources of Lucasfilm, ltd., the distribution of Paramount Pictures and the director's chair of Steven Spielberg... But Indie and Spring's Documentary Streak is taking a break for a celebration of a DIFFERENT kind of Indie... Indy!
Call it Indy and Spring 2008!!! Don't forget, folks, my rules, I make 'em up!
Yes, Yes... It's opening day of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and I've not only seen it, but reviewed it. It's 9:15 AM, folks!
(05/22/2008)
You ever notice how in every video The Bangles' guitarist looks just HUGE, like some massive AMAZON? Well, she's not. Actually, it's because Susanna Hoffs is tiny. Tiny and Hot. Yes, still.
They all, are, actually. Apparently, so am I because some guy decided to get a little fresh at the show. I like feel this pressure on my shoulder and I look over to see what it is and it's HALF OF SOME GUY'S FACE! Realizing my shoulder's being kissed, I step forward, turn and wave a dismissive hand, mouthing the word "No!". That'd do it, right? After all, I was at Gay Pride, so the assumption was valid enough, I guess. Presumptuous as hell (even if I was gay, what makes this dude so sure I would've been interested?), but valid. And not being a homophobe of any kind I figured, hell... let it go. Till the dude put his hands around my waist.
A more vehement "No!" was the result.
Ladies, ladies, ladies of all kinds, if I ever came on too strong, I sincerely apologize. Not that I didn't know how it felt before, but I guess I needed a reminder.
But... it didn't ruin my enjoyment of seeing
The Bangles Live at Long Beach Pride! Huzzah!
(05/21/2008)
INDIE INTERLUDE: Argh! Two Hollywood flicks in a row! Lest we forget that we're still in the midst of Indie and Spring, not to mention in the midst of the DOCUMENTARY STREAK, it's time to get back to it and have another taste of those Indies.
Yes, we're moving on with another Independent Documentary Film, sliding into the fast lane to pass Hunter Weeks in a convertible with Hunter S. Thompson... and the "Taste" in question would be, of course, Breakfast with Hunter. Man, that's one Gonzo meal! Pass the Fear and Loathing!
(05/12/2008)
Any question that Lost has become big enough to work as an obscure reference was dashed last night when I saw a temporarily crippled kid jump up into Matthew Fox's face and scream "Do not tell me what I Can't Do!" in the new movie Speed Racer! I was like "Dude, that's a John Locke reference, isn't it?"
But I digress... Speed Racer! Fast Cars, Faster Cars, even Faster Cars... Good... but not quite great! (05/10/2008)
One would think that with technology incredible enough to allow a pilot to fly without the plane somehow somebody could make Voice Recognition Software that was worth a damn. Look, idiots, if you have to repeat things over and over only to get the faux-friendly voice saying "I didn't get that!", you should seriously consider bringing Touch Tone back.
Well, it seemed to work okay for Tony Stark in the well done comic book adaptation Iron Man! That guy's giving commands like mad and all his robots are just doing it. Hell, he even uses the Voice Dial on his helmet-based Cell Phone and it totally works. That's it, folks, I'm going to go change clothes now. I wonder if ol' Tony has licensed that design for mass market. Either way, check out Iron Man and its review that might take you longer to read than the Novelization. (05/05/2008)
INDIE INTERLUDE: In fact... let's kick off one of my infamous "Streaks" this time out... who's ready for a Documentary Streak? Well that's what you're getting, starting with 10 MPH, a film about driving cross country on a unique transport very, very, very slowly.
And considering the fact that I was given 10 MPH in MAY of 2007 to review and I'm just now posting it shows you that I, myself, have been going at about 10 MPH when it comes to the Ultra Indies.
Look, folks, those Seventy-Four Reviews from the list of Video Nasties weren't going to write themselves, now were they?
Yes, Yes... Indie and Spring 2008 is all about Atonement!
Check out 10 MPH! Independent at any speed!
(04/30/2008)
Uh... INTERLUDE from the INDIE INTERLUDES... Taking a break from the Socially Conscious films we've just touched upon, let's get right back into the same old WorldsGreatestCritic.com garbage with yet another Zombie Movie... this time: Day of the Dead!
"But, wait!" I can hear you say, "Day of the Dead and all of the Romero Zombie Movies are really quite socially conscious and share a brilliant trend toward satire and global commentary!"
I agree, but this isn't THATDay of the Dead! This is the 2008 Remake Day of the Dead, leaving me to wish for night to fall. Hey, you know what? Romero was originally going to call Land of the Dead "Twilight of the Dead"... why doesn't somebody just make "Dusk of the Dead"? If you don't, I will. Hell, we've already got "Dawn of the Living Dead", "Flight of the Living Dead: Outbreak on a Plane" and "Erotic Nights of the Living Dead"... I'm thinking it's all fair game now. Maybe we can get Marshall Tucker to do the Soundtrack! (04/24/2008)
INDIE INTERLUDE: I was first turned on to this movie, Train Ride, by a correspondent who shared an admiration for the prolific actress Esther Rolle.
Train Ride was her last screen appearance and she really made it count.
Yes, after all the film and TV she had done, Esther Rolle's last film was an Ultra-Indie. You'll see why she chose to make this movie, too. It was worth her time to make and worth your time to watch.
Train Ride! Catch it!
(04/20/2008)
INDIE INTERLUDE: First I said I was quitting, then I said I had "Academic Burnout", then I don't post anything for 8 days.
Anybody notice?
No?
Well, notice this, Baystate Blues, COME ON DOWN! You're the next Ultra Indie on Indie and Spring 2008!
Who loves ya?
(04/16/2008)
INDIE INTERLUDE: You remember back in College when Finals Week would come up and you'd be cramming and cramming and studying and going over notes and pushing gallons of knowledge into your shot-glass sized brain and it all pays off because you do, you know, pretty damned well on your finals but afterward you've got academic burnout to such a degree that the very sight of a math problem or a sentence diagram can send you into a Sonic Tizzy the likes of which haven't been seen since Three's Company got cancelled?
That's kind of me after the Winter of Weird. Hence my nigh-on week off after that April Fool's prank.
So I'm basically kicked back in train stations reading the best of Archie, Jughead, Betty & Veronica, Reggie of Riverdale and Archie's Super Teens! Man, I tell you... this week ol' Arch has to decide whether to fix his Jalopy or lend Juggy some money for a Double Hamburger. What will he choose? Ha, ha, ha!
But back to the Ultra Indies.
Here's a pretty good one from some upwardly mobile Canadian auteur-type guys that have only been waiting for their Independent Flick to be reviewed for two months and change, meaning they have not yet jumped on the "Fuck Kneumsi" bandwagon.
Check out Confusions of an Unmarried Couple, our latest feature in Indie and Spring 2008!
It's a Festival of Funny Dialogue!
Everything's Ar-chieeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
(04/08/2008)
INDIE INTERLUDE: Actually, does it count as an "Interlude" if that's the main path?
Slightly less than a year ago (and I mean... SLIGHTLY less) I was sent a copy of a comedy/ horror short called "Cannibal Flesh Riot" with a request for a review.
I'm a terrible human being and I must pay for my misdeeds.
Featuring the Ultra Indies is what this Season is all about, though, so what better time is there than now to feature this unique film from the surreal mind of Gris Grimley.
As is common, I could use a bridge between this season and last season. What better bridge could there be between the 2008 Winter of Weird and Indie and Spring 2008 than Cannibal Flesh Riot? Oh, and, trust me, folks, it's not what you're thinking. Don't judge and Indie by its title!
(04/07/2008)
INDIE INTERLUDE: I said I'd give you a day to catch up before I launched the next season... It's been damned near a week. I call that Generous, you call it Lazy!
From just about the beginning of WorldsGreatestCritic.com, Ultra-Independent Film Makers have seen this handmade site and felt enough of a kinship to send me their movies for review. It started out pretty slow, then the flood increased to the point that I have a constantly shifting stack of Indies to review. But I had all these "Seasons" to get through.
Summer of Horror 2006 led to Operation Sci-Fall 2006, which begat Winter of Wit 2007, which overlapped with Spring into Action 2007 which fed the Dog Days of Summer 2007, which kicked off the Video Nasty boom that continued in Fall... in Love with a Video Nasty 2007 and concluded in the 2008 Winter of Weird!
Sure a lot of these seasons did feature an Ultra-Indie or two, but the odds were that if your film didn't fit into these seasons, I wouldn't have time. I suck.
Naturally many Independent Filmmakers have started wondering just who in the name of Timothy Fuck I think I am. So what am I to do? The answer is simple... I'll launch a new season devoted to them specifically, celebrating the Ultra Indies I have reviewed, the Ultra Indies I've been waiting to review and the new Ultra Indies that are being submitted to me right now.
Introducing: Indie And Spring, a celebration of the Worlds Greatest Critic's ULTRA INDIES!
(04/07/2008)
April Fool!
Aw, man! You BOUGHT that? No way! I was just bullshittin'! And you know this... Man! I ain't goin' nowhere!
Oh, what, what, was taking the entire WorldsGreatestCritic.com site down in favor of a heart-breaking Goodbye Note in bad taste? Folks, I'm the guy who put a review of Horton Hears a Who right in between reviews of El Topo and Cannibal Holocaust!
Here, I'll give you a day to catch up on the reviews before I introduce our next season. Welcome back, Cutter!
HAH, "someone else's vision"... really... (April 02, 2008)
Here it is, at long last, the final review of the 2008 Winter of Weird and the final review of the Video Nasties, posted almost four full years afer my first Video Nasty review (which was Zombie Flesh Eaters, incidentally)!
This one (the 55th Video Nasty reviewed, but the 74th posted) plays like a summation of the entire list. It was believed by many to be a real, live Snuff Film (to the point that the director was actually arrested and charged with Murder), it's a Cannibal Film, it features sexualized violence and actual animals killed (horribly)... everything but the Nazis (and I hate Nazis) and its publicity and controversy helped to bring about the Video Nasty Bans in the first place! What's it called? Say it with me:
Cannibal Holocaust! I can think of no better way to sum up the Nasties or the Winter of Weird than this. Be warned... Cannibal Holocaust will not read like a celebration, nor will watching it make you feel particularly good. But it is the last film of this season. The Last Video Nasty on my list and... Well, today is the end of a lot of things.
Cannibal Holocaust... Good Night and Goodbye.
(03/31/2008)
This is our final day of the 2008 Winter of Weird and I still haven't reviewed Horton Hears a Who yet.
As much of a travesty as that is, I can make sure we all avoid another big travesty with the inclusion of this next review... for:
EL TOPO, one of the weirdest films you could ever hope to survive. What would the Winter of Weird be without this one? Of course there are probably many more that you're wondering why I didn't review. Well, there were a lot on the list and it's hard to get to them all. Sorry folks, but today is the very, very last day. Ah, well, enjoy EL TOPO while you can!
(03/31/2008)
How in the WORLD can I possibly follow up a review like the one for Lifeforce?
Why with Faces of Death, of course!
Yes, folks, once more tonight into the Video Nasties, continuing (and, depending on how you look at it... closing) our Reality Streak of the Final Fall of the Video Nasties... which, in turn, is heralding the end of the 2008 Winter of Weird!
Faces of Death is part mockumentary, part documentary, all shockumentary and though it's the 74th Video Nasty review I wrote, it's actually the 73rd Video Nasty posted to this site... which leaves... only one more! Process of elimination will reveal it all, folks, but if you want to be surprised, stay tuned till tomorrow to find out what my 74th and final Video Nasty review will be!
(It's actually the 55th one I wrote!)
Winter of Weird ends tomorrow, along with a great many other things... face their deaths starting with the Video NastyFaces of Death.
(03/30/2008)
How about another WEIRD, but not NASTY entry into the 2008 Winter of Weird, which is almost at its close.
You ever have a movie that everybody tells you is the movie for you, but you've never watched it, and you never knew why? Apparently for me that movie was Lifeforce an incredibly weird movie about Space Vampires invading Earth to create Zombies and have sex. Lifeforce!
If you've ever read any of my reviews, you can see why... this is most assuredly, my movie! The rest of you are probably thinking, dude, he's never watched Lifeforce? Lifeforce!
(03/30/2008)
Just when you thought it was Safe to go back to the What's New page...
I'm throwing more Video Nasties at you. Hey, only three left to go (out of Seventy-Four!!!).
Just as Exposé gave us the realistic story of a quest to snuff out a jackass (and closed the Grindhouse Streak in the process), this next movie gives us a great deal of controversy and protests, not to mention a few hundred urban legends of its own... all the while kicking off our last streak in the Final Fall of the Video Nasties: The Reality Streak.
Here's Snuff, the little movie that would have you believe it's a real snuff film... but if you'll believe that, you'll believe anything!
(03/30/2008)
So much for the (Grind)House Streak. Let's step out of the house and into the woods... in fact, away from the Video Nasties for our next Weird Flick.
If you thought weird films were featured in the 2008 Winter of Weird so far, you haven't seen anything yet. Check out the Action Zombie Thriller known as:
Versus.
That's all I'm saying.
(03/29/2008)
Da "House Streak" is in Da House! The Grindhouse that is! Hey, I should've called it... Da Hizzle Streak... or even... Da Hizzle Streazzle! Yezzle!
Okay, maybe not.
And now, for a SUPER HOT Video Nasty to both continue and conclude our "Hizzle Streazzle"!
The 71st Posted Video Nasty to WorldsGreatestCritic.com is called
House on Straw Hill... but this psychotic hyper-sexualized horror-drama was known in England around the time of its Banning as Exposé! And you'll see why.
After this there are only THREE MORE Video Nasties on the DPP list of 74 to EXPOSE! Bear up with me for them, the next streak and... more weirdness...
(03/29/2008)
The "House Streak" of our 2008 Winter of Weird's Final Fall of the Video Nasties now continues with a truly Ghastly little movie from 1968, dearies, not 1948... or 1868 for that matter... known as Blood Rites in England (where it was Banned for Obscenities), but is known in the land of the Red, White and Blue as The Ghastly Ones!
Don't let the year of release fool you, this is neither the Summer of Love, nor the Prudish Establishment. But... it does suck like an Electrolux.
(03/29/2008)
So, The House on the Edge of the Park both got us clear of our Revenge Streak and opened up for us our next streak... which took a HUGE amount of imagination on my part.
It's the "House Streak"... because they all have to do... with... houses. Yeah, I was up all nigh-, no, wait, WEEK thinking that one up. Man... 2008's Video Nasty Reviews, dude...
With the exception of Tenebrae's shadowy emergence, we started with the Nazisploitation Streak, then hit the Animal Crap streak, then right on into the Cannibal Exploitation streak, flipping squarely into our Slasher Streak, which brought us into our Revenge Streak... and now... "The House Streak".
That's... that's brilliant. How Mensa hasn't drafted me yet is a mystery that the combined skills of Holmes and Poirot couldn't solve.
Ah, forget it... Just read about Madhouse, the next/ first entry into our House Streak!
(03/28/2008)
VENGEANCE IS MINE... for one more review.
Yes, our Revenge Streak of the 2008 Winter of Weird closes with the un-unravelable Epic of Revenge:
The House on the Edge of the Park!
It also sets up our next (admittedly lame) streak, which will slam the door on the Revenge Streak...
So, I guess... VENGEANCE WAS MINE!
(03/27/2008)
Well, this one doesn't compute!
If you thought Viruses were bad, you should check out the next Video Nasty in our Revenge Streak. This one doesn't bother with Viruses... This computer is POSSESSED BY DEMONS!
I wonder if the folks at Norton or McAffee have an upgrade for that!
You might need an upgrade for wackiness, too, though, because this one's about a nerdy kid using his possessed PC to take revenge on the Bullies who hosed him at Military School. And it's NOT by posting nude pictures of their girlfriends on Facebook!
DARE YOU CLICK THIS LINK TO READ ABOUT EVILSPEAK?
(03/27/2008)
Let me take the opportunity that we're in a Revenge Streak to burn off yet another Ilsa movie (of sorts), each of which follow that same old Revenge storyline. It's not a Video Nasty, in fact, if you want to split hairs, it's not even REALLY an Ilsa movie!
It's Ilsa, the Wicked Warden, but was originally known as Greta - Haus ohne Männer and went by such other titles as Wanda, the Wicked Warden, Greta, the Mad Butcher and even The Prison of the Female Perverts (translated from the French)!
Who would stoop so low as to first make an unofficial Ilsa flick (with the same star) and then try to pass his work off as an official entry? Jess Fucking Franco, that's who!
(03/27/2008)
Because Island of Death was kind (or vengeful) enough to break us into our Revenge Streak, we can now continue with another of the most notorious Video Nasties:
I Spit on Your Grave!
If you're not familiar with it, I'll tell you what I told my best friend when she discovered that her sleazy room-mate had a copy... "Don't start with this one!"
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!
(03/26/2008)
What lies beyond the Bay of Blood? The Island of Death, of course!
Yes, Yes, Yes, our Slasher Streak both continues and concludes with a... Greek... Horror... Movie.
A Greek Horror Movie... called Island of Death!
It's a naked romp across the Greek islands that gets totally ruined by murder, bigotry and revenge.
Hey, that means Island of Death also sets up our next streak in the Final Fall of the Video Nasties... The Revenge Streak! Get ready... because the 2008 Winter of Weird is almost at its close!
(03/25/2008)
You may know it as Twitch of the Death Nerve; you may know it as A Bay of Blood; you may know it as Ecologia del delitto; you may have seen movies that have liberally ripped it off... You may not know it at all.
By any name, Reazione a catena is a very influential slasher flick from Clan Bava that deserves its space among the best and most prototypical Slasher/ Splatter movies of all time.
And since it was also Banned in the UK as a Video Nasty (under the title Bloodbath), it's also the next entry in our Slasher Streak... sailing on to the Final Fall of the Video Nasties and the end of our Winter of Weird 2008!
(03/25/2008)
Okay, since I didn't say it before: Boy am I glad I'm finally done with all those horrible Cannibal ExploitationVideo Nasties so that I can finally get back to reviewing all those horrible SlasherVideo Nasties!
Next is a Deep Cut into the Final Fall of the Video Nasties called Nightmare, but perhaps better known, at least in Merry Old England, as: Nightmare in a Damaged Brain!
It's been done... but, hey... AAAAAAAAH? Hey!
(03/24/2008)
Well, that's enough Cannibal Exploitation, let's get back to the Video Nasties (those of you in the know... be patient).
Our last Video Nasty was Rosso Sangue (you may know it as either Zombie 6 or Absurd). Rosso Sangue literally translates from the Italian to "Red Blood", which gives us a perfect bridge into our next VIDEO NASTY streak, the SLASHER streak, starting with:
Blood Feast, the absolute oldest film on the List.
It also links well with our last streak because... well, as the title suggests, it's got its fair share of cannibalism.
And for those of you celebrating Easter today (like I am)... Blood Feast is so shockingly technicolor, you might just be fooled into thinking you're dying eggs!
So enjoy (if you can) Blood Feast, the first in our "Slasher Streak" series, helping to close out WorldsGreatestCritic.com's final weeks of the Winter of Weird 2008 and bring about the final fall of the video nasties.
(03/23/2008)
I guess we can call this the "holocaust" mini-streak within our The Cannibal Exploitation streak during WorldsGreatestCritic.com's final weeks of the Winter of Weird 2008!
Just as with Jungle Holocaust before it, Zombi Holocaust was so close to being banned in the UK as a Video Nasty, it could practically taste it. But... it escaped unscathed.
I theorize that this is, in part, due to the fact that the censors got bored watching it and gave it a defacto pass, turning it off half way through. That's too bad, as our lead's incredible clad-only-in-paint scenes only grace the final act! Dude. So hot.
Those of you nostalgic for Zombi 2 can likewise be comforted by this film, as Zombi Holocaust is primarily the same damned thing!
(03/23/2008)
The Cannibal Exploitation streak continues now as we seek to close out WorldsGreatestCritic.com's Winter of Weird 2008!
And you true-fans know just what's next, right? After all, there is only one Cannibal Exploitation Flick left on the list of Video Nasties that I haven't reviewed yet! I'll give you a hint... It's directed by a man named Deodato...
If you guessed Cannibal Holocaust, then you are absolutely... WRONG!
In fact, this next film isn't even a Video Nasty.Instead, let's take a look at the film that came so close to being a Video Nasty that tons of people have assumed it was one... Folks, come and listen to my story 'bout Ultimo Mondo Cannibale, perhaps better known by its international English title Last Cannibal World, or its US Cash-In title: Jungle Holocaust. Three words describing why you SHOULD watch this:
Me... Me... Lai!
(03/22/2008)
Our 2008 Winter of Weird Cannibal Exploitation streak continues now with the next chapter in our final fall of the Video Nasties!
This one actually came out the same week as Cannibal Apocalypse, which suggests a certain same-ness at the Box Office during the August of 1980.
Enjoy Antropophagus (AKA: Anthropophagous: The Beast) if you can. But be wary... this isn't the Hello Kitty Islands of Adventure theme!
(03/20/2008)
The Cannibal Exploitation streak of the 2008 Winter of Weird's "Final Fall of the Video Nasties" continues now with the very strange entry onto the list and into the genre known as Cannibal Apocalypse, Apocalypse Domani, Invasion of the Fleshhunters and a whole fuckload of other names. In fact, it is, by my estimation, the most renamed flick on the whole list of Nasties.
Pick a name, any name, don't show me what it is!
Seriously, please don't. I'm burned out, people, burned out!
(03/19/2008)
Boy am I glad I'm finally done with all those horrible NazisploitationVideo Nasties so that I can finally get back to reviewing all those horrible Cannibal ExploitationVideo Nasties!
And now that I'm finally done with that insane "Animal Crap" streak, I can really make good on that promise... starting now...
So, just as our Nazisploitation Streak linked directly into the Animal Crap streak (from La Bestia In Calore to La Maldición de la bestia), the final flick in the Animal Crap streak, Night of the Bloody Apes links directly into the first flick of our Cannibal streak:
BLOODEATERS!
Not just because they have "Blood" in the title either... but also because they're both terrible. This one was released (and banned) in the UK as "Forest of Fear", which doesn't quite as immediatly scream "TURKEY!" as loud as "Bloodeaters" does, but that doesn't help the content much. Gotta love this, man. Stoned Hippie Zombies in a movie written and directed by a high-priced Lawyer.
Man.
(03/18/2008)
I haven't forgotten that we've got precious little time left to get through the remaining Video Nasties before the 2008 Winter of Weird comes to its inevitable close. So, let us now return to the garbage as our Animal Crap Streak both continues and concludes with Night of the Bloody Apes That's right, folks, first it was Night of the Howling Beast, then Night of the Demon and now, the inevitable (though regretable) Night of the Bloody Apes. A terrible (yet terribly funny) movie, saved by some really lovely women!
(03/15/2008)
INDIE INTERLUDE: It's beginning to look a lot like SPRING... but the 2008 Winter of Weird is still in Full Swing! Now, back to the Independent Films... Like The Final Patient, a well done picture with good ideas and a very good lead, but not quite enough budget to get it over the finish line. Still... considering all... I rather dig it.
Everyone knows it's BUTTERScotch.
(03/15/2008)
Let's take a hard-earned and much needed break from this season with the well-oiled machine known as There Will Be Blood. You had to be aware that there would be a review! (03/13/2008)
I also indicated that I was done with those damned Nazisploitation flicks... but as a stop-gap measure, I'm throwing in a couple of movies I hate to spice us all up as we roll through the final month of the 2008 Winter of Weird.
Here's a weird, morally reprehensible and devoid-of-grace piece of horse shit called Ilsa, Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks the first, and probably worst sequel to the joyless Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS.
Although it's not really Nazisploitation this time, it's more of the same until they try to top themselves, creating a nauseating blend of cheese, corn and crap. Don't bother with this one. I'm watching bad movies so you don't have to.
(03/07/2008)
Like I said, the rest of the Video Nasties are being burned off in streaks as we finish off the 2008 Winter of Weird!
From La Bestia In Calore to La Maldición de la bestia, which had many alternate titles including Night of the Howling Beast and kicked off our ANIMAL CRAP streak.
So, let's progress down the regrettable and ill-advised path of continuing the Animal Crap streak by moving from Night of the Howling Beast straight into
Night of the Demon!
Yes... Night of the Demon, which is sure to cause a few involuntary reactions and/ or reflexes. If you're still thinking "Hey, I'll watch it anyway!", let me advise you of this one more thing... It's yet another low budget BIGFOOT movie. This one with quite a twist in the look of our leading monst-
Well, just read it, you'll see what I mean!
(03/02/2008)
When discussing what the perfect Guy Pearce movie would be to feature in the 2008 Winter of Weird, the obvious choice was Memento.
But as you're well aware, "Obvious" isn't something I often do.
So, please sit down for the 1999 FEAST known as RAVENOUS... Actually, now that I think about it... Animal Crap... Cannibal Crap? That is kind of obvious, isn't it? Well, read it anyway... and don't forget that
"As your body grows bigger, your mind grows flowers, it's great to learn 'Cause KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!"
Mom, Mom, Mom... Remember how you freaked out at the sight of the poster for The Funhouse? Well, trust me... don't read this review because... damn!
The rest of you, get ready for Kneumsi's take on RAVENOUS...
(02/28/2008)
Last night my daughter and I trekked to the Nuart Theatre in Los Angeles for one of those rare movies that I simply refuse to miss! Give up? George A. Romero's Diary of the Dead, now in theatrical release!
Plus Romero himself was there to introduce the film in a rare appearance with a promised Q&A session to follow.
I had started the whole story about meeting the guy in person... which didn't happen, of course. He came, we applauded (on our feet, of course), he introduced the film and left faster than a Zombie in a Snyder flick! So... that's the story. But if it's any consolation, here are some lovely photos (though, none of him here)... plus, my glowing review is extra long, baby! So... brew coffee!
Clockwise from left:
The Nuart Marquee featuring one killer Flick!
Luckily we got there early... RIGHT AFTER CHURCH!
My daughter, Alex, prepping for the unknown.
The BLAST promising Uncle George's appearance in person!
(02/18/2008)
More Weirdness? Okay!
A band called "PHOENIX CLUB" once opened for the Star Doors... that was before they became "A FIRE INSIDE SIMPLE MINDS", of course. Basically what this means is that by combining AFI's "Days of the Phoenix" with just a tad of "Don't You Forget About Me" and "Helter Skelter" I've now become the MILLIONTH disaffected '80s kid to upload a Breakfast Club Video (with apologies to John Hughes).
(02/18/2008)
What do you get when you mix Anakin Skywalker with Henry the Serial Killer, Mace Windu, Billy Elliot and the naked lady from Unfaithful?
Apparently you get the Sci-Fi, Action Thriller Jumper! Put your Jumper on and check it out, kids! (02/17/2008)
INDIE INTERLUDE: Thank heavens for WEIRD INDIES... like this one.
This episode from a half-hour horror/ mystery/ sci-fi anthology is no throwback to Tales from the Crypt... No, it's a throwback all the way to The Twilight Zone. With that in mind it's a great short film in its own right that manages to be both classically inspired and post-modern at the same time. A big 2008 Winter of WeirdHUZZAH! goes out to The Realm of Never: Moratorium! (02/15/2008)
Weird Surprises certainly qualify for the 2008 Winter of Weird and the success of a certain fake documentary from the late 1990s certainly is a surprise.
The movie itself? 100% Weird. Though, sadly, not 100% Entertaining. And, while it's true that The Blair Witch Project is a variation on something that has already been done, pretty much all that needs to be said about The Blair Witch Project has already been said, so... both the film and my review were unnecessary. (02/12/2008)
You want weird? Well check out my latest VIDEO EDIT.
I'm barely in it, but you might recognize this classic band from a long time ago.
They're called... the Star Doors and here they are with their biggest hit "Set the Night on Fire"!
(02/09/2008)
There are all kinds of ways I considered introducing this next review.
It's yet another of those really crappy Nazisploitation flicks (unsurprisingly, I've yet to find a good one), but this one was notlisted as a video nasty, which means I didn't HAVE to watch or review it. I figured I'd be remiss if I didn't review one of the biggest of the entire genre, so that the rest of the degenerate story can be told.
I hate Nazis, man.
But this way I can get them all completed and out of the way during the Winter of Weird and get back to things I like writing about.
You know me, I'm watching BAD MOVIES so you don't have to!!!
Well, good news, notoriety or not, you now don't have to watch Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS. I wish I hadn't. (02/07/2008)
And now for something completely different...
The beautiful thing about Winter of Weird is that it's always about something different.
Moving away from the pack is this surreal film based on the true story of a celebrity who finds himself almost completely paralyzed due to a massive stroke. So he writes a book. That's what I'd do, actually... but doing it his way... wow!
Check out Le Scaphandre et le papillon or, as it has been released in the US: The Diving Bell and the Butterfly! This is scary, man! (02/03/2008)
It's a good thing that these "Ultra Indies" are so commonly "Weird", because that allows me to make good on a lot of owed INDIE INTERLUDEs during this, The 2008 Winter of Weird!
And now for a completely unexpected next film from ol' "Alex F." (Cue Beverly Hills Cop theme here).
It's a prequel to an upcoming feature and the second riff (so far) on a theme introduced over the summer with Cyn. It's called Red Princess Blues Animated: The Book of Violence and it reads like a cool comic book. That can be good and it can be bad, but it's always beautiful. (01/29/2008)
We break now for an INDIE INTERLUDE while keeping one rolling strong with The 2008 Winter of Weird!
I get to review a lot of Independent Films and even the "Ultra Indies" that I've been lucky enough to be among the first to see. I'm not an easy grader either, though I recognize what it takes to put together a good, experimental film on a shoestring budget.
In the case of Crimson, my review has taken on a strange turn, mostly because I know that this film could have been better than it was, being familiar with the work of its creators. By no means was this written with a mind to hurt feelings. Instead it was written with a mind to knowing this bump in the road doesn't equate to a broken bridge.
Check out Crimson, the experimental vampire movie with a new edge that could have been much better. (01/26/2008)
I can't wait to finish reviewing all these horrible Nazisploitation flicks so that I can get back to reviewing all those horrible Cannibal flicks!
Yes, The 2008 Winter of Weird is forced to continue once again with yet another Video Nasty. This time it's called The Beast in Heat!
And what ever you may be thinking when you hear a title like "This time it's called The Beast in Heat!", that's how it is!
(01/22/2008)
For my first actual review of a 2008 Film, I'm lucky enough to get a movie that almost perfectly exemplifies The 2008 Winter of Weird!
Rambo?
No!
Cloverfield! The Giant Monster Movie packed with CGI and filmed in that crazy cinema verite style that remains so shrouded in mystery, its first trailers (and posters) didn't even carry the film's name! What's more, I'm STILL spoiler free on this one.
A buddy of mine emailed me while I was writing the review, I opened it, didn't look, hit CTRL+F, typed in "CLOVER" and hit ENTER. When the Search wasn't rejected I said "I shan't be reading this one!"
See Cloverfield, if for no other reason than to see the new preview for Star Trek! And if you decide to stay through the credits... Bring Dramamine!
Jol yIchu! (01-18-08)
Sometimes the future is so bright you gotta wear shades... and sunscreen and avoid crucifixes and garlic and...
Matheson told us the story of what happens when the whole world vamps out and the horrific legends of today are inverted. In 2007, the story has been translated to film (for the third time) starring that Fresh Prince kid. It's not the book, but it sure as stakin' ain't so bad. Check out I Am Legend... it neither sucks nor bites!
(01/18/08)
Well I have to burn these NazisploitationVideo Nasties off somehow, so let's continue with another bad movie called SS Experiment Camp which was made for all the wrong reasons and added to THE LIST for all the right reasons. What a joke.
(01/17/08)
Would you call a Television Show based on The Terminator, minus its creator a "Weird Idea"?
Perhaps. I would simply call it a BAD idea. They made one, though.
That said, the show really isn't so bad, but it maintains the weirdness. Check out Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles: "Pilot" and "Gnothi Seauton"... You'll love the star.
By the way, you can LITERALLY check it out if you scroll to the bottom of the page.
(01/16/08)
It was kind of a weird idea to begin with, taking the weird nightmare from one film and putting it up against the weird monster from another film and seeing what happens. The fact that it was first done in a Comic Book adds another layer of weirdness, too.
I'm speaking, of course, of the match up we see again in AVPR. Yes, once more into the bleachers we go to see Aliens (plural this time) battling Predator (still singular). This time whoever wins, the Franchise is still doomed!
(01/14/08)
The Video Nasties won't dominate all of The 2008 Winter of Weird, but let's face facts... the Video Nasties are almost all "WEIRD"!
This next one is definitely no exception to the rule.
Forty-One Reviews ago or so I stated that there was a reason I was doing so very many Cannibal Film Reviews in a row and that the reason in question would become very clear, very soon.
Apparently I lied... but I'll tell you the reason now: The list of Video Nasties is just NASTY with Nazisploitation flicks... and I hate Nazis. But it's time to get them the hell out of the way.
Be aware, these flicks don't constitute some pro-Reich film festival by any means. In fact, the Nazis always find REVENGE being taken against them. That said they all seem to really suck!
And now for the film said to have started it all: Love Camp 7!
I know, I know, I'm sorry. Look I just review them, I don't make them.
(01/10/08)
The Dog Days of Summer 2007 were all about the Video Nasties, but I had a lot more to review, so I kept the seasons rolling with Fall... in Love with a Video Nasty which, quite obviously was also all about the Video Nasties! But I'm still not done, so I belabor the whole WorldsGreatestCritic.com "Seasonal" thing with The 2008 Winter of Weird which is, I hate to tell you, also all about the Video Nasties!
For those of you completely burned out on the whole concept and for those of you who wonder why I couldn't review all seventy-four over the summer and end the whole "Different Seasons" thing with the bang of the Video Nasties and for those of you who are wondering why you're still reading, not just this paragraph, but the entire site and for those of you who wonder why an American kid from Louisiana who now lives a stone's throw from Hollywood is reviewing a bunch of films that were banned in England and for those of you who wonder why I made it a point to get through all 35 of the Secondary Video Nasties before I completed the 39 original Video Nasties I dedicate this next review... it's one of the better Video Nasties, partially because it's from none other than sweet, sweet Asia's parents.
Enjoy Tenebrae by Maestro Argento himself and don't bother correcting me on the spelling of that either... I do realize that often it's spelled Tenebre! Just... Just beware of psychotic fans. They tend to Oscilate! No stalkers, please... I've been through that and... ick! (01/06/08)
INTRODUCING: The Next Season of World's Greatest Critic Greatness! The 2008 Winter of Weird! Are you tired of this whole "Season" thing we've been doing since the sixth of June 2006? Me too, but I've got more Video Nasties to review, so deal with it, Pink Boy! How can you deal with this shocker? Well, peace be with you, YOU'RE ALREADY IN IT! The 2008 Winter of Weird Preview-Debuted on December 28, 2007... I just didn't bother telling you! Say, didn't I do that with Spring Into Action? Isn't that kind of cheap and tacky? No! Well... Yes.
DEAL WITH IT, PINK BOY! (01/02/08)
HAPPY NEW YEAR! But why Enjoy this great year that is to come? Instead, why not live in the past a little longer, and stick with your overwhelming nostalgia for 2007! That's right, it's here, the annual Kneumsi Year in Review... Please enjoy The Top and Bottom 7 of 2007... (plus the WTFs)! Or... Don't enjoy them! Fine! See if I care! (01/01/08)
WorldsGreatestCritic.com is a comedy site (to all of you out there who just said "Really?", I hope a Hamster bites you). But one thing on this site that is always taken seriously is the Annual Dead Man of the Year Awards. This year i
